


Hardest Thing to Say

by wordsareleftbehind (froggydarren)



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 22:30:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/872693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froggydarren/pseuds/wordsareleftbehind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>There is a moment… when Darren knows, but nothing is ever quite that simple, is it? Title from Darren’s Words.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hardest Thing to Say

_Fuck_.

Darren slides down the wall that he's just leaned against when the thought hit him. His eyes close and he leans his forehead on his crossed arms. Curled up in pretty much a fetal position on the floor in Chris' hallway, he can hear his own heavy breathing echo around, undisturbed.

_Shit._

He's panicking, his breathing faster and heavier with every inhale, but he can't focus enough to figure out why at first. It's only when he lets his arms fall away from his knees and sticks his head between his knees that he starts coming back to normal thinking. Then the realization strikes again and the onset of a panic attack is unsurprising this time. Yet again he breathes through it and cautiously listens for any movement in the house, whether from Chris or from Brian.

Darren knows that if either of them finds him in the hallway like this, it won't end well. Brian would meow his lungs out and wake Chris, alarming him and causing him to panic. Chris himself would freak out if he caught Darren curled up into himself and attempting to get oxygen into his lungs with such difficulty. Either would lead to questions. Questions that Darren is most certainly not ready to answer right now.

He slowly slides back up along the wall, leaning against it for stability and breathes through every step. _It shouldn't be this panic-inducing_ , he thinks, _it shouldn't scare the living hell out of me_. But it is, because it's not a simple matter of realizing something. Everything about what he just figured out is complicated. The moment flashes before his eyes as they close again.

o-o-o-o-o

_Chris had been working late, again, locked up in his room at the laptop, typing up changes to his book, mapping out a script and learning lines, all at the same time. Darren only snuck in when he was bringing something, periodically checking in to remind Chris that there was food on the table and a bottle of water by Chris' computer screen. Each time Darren walked in, he was only met with a grumble or a sigh of frustration. Each time, he walked out with a hissing Brian in his arms, ready with the edible bribes, explaining to the cat that Chris needed peace and quiet._

_Darren had been there before and he knew exactly what Chris needed when he got into a work frenzy like this. That was why he didn't leave the house the moment he noticed Chris losing himself in all three worlds that his brain demanded to jump into. Darren knew that at some point, Chris would pick up the phone and want to discuss lines or run them. It was easier to stay and commandeer the spare bedroom along with a disgruntled Brian, who only tolerated Darren because they were both unwelcome in Chris' vicinity.  Darren dutifully dug out his antihistamines and with a resigned sigh stretched out on the spare bed, scratching Brian when the cat took residence on Darren's stomach._

_As he'd expected, his phone buzzed with a text message about ten minutes after he'd dozed off, in the middle of the night, with Brian purring quietly on top of him. Darren knew it was Chris, but he also knew he couldn't move, so he shot back a quick "I'm in your spare room" response, barely looking at the phone._

_"I didn't know you stayed," Chris muttered when he settled on the bed next to Darren, trying to not wake the cat, "You'll never get sleep here, not with him on top of you."_

_"Well I would prefer you on top of me…" Darren winked and Chris chuckled in response._

_"I'm sorry I got lost in work," Chris looked apologetic but there was still the energy behind his eyes that told Darren it didn't mean that Chris was going to stop, "Do you think you can get up and run lines for a while? I don't want to keep you up too long."_

_"When was the last time I needed more sleep than you?" Darren smirked and gently shifted Brian off, "Come on, let's leave sleeping beauty here and run the lines."_

_They ran the dialogue a few times, but then Chris got distracted by an idea for his book and Darren shooed him off to the laptop to write it down. He had enough lost songs that he regretted not writing down, the last thing he wanted was for Chris to have similar regrets._

_Once again, he checked in on Chris a few times, dropping off a bottle of water or some snacks and then lost himself in a song that had been nagging him for a while. It was only when Brian marched off in the direction of Chris' room and didn't immediately come back that Darren set the guitar aside and headed for the bedroom with an exasperated sigh._

_"Brian, come on, Chris is working," he said quietly when he entered, but immediately realized that there was no need to get Brian out._

_Chris was slumped over his desk, arms crossed and head leaning on top of them. His glasses were still on, pressing into Chris' face and almost completely obscuring Chris' closed eyes. Darren couldn't fight the fond smile and walked over to the desk. He pulled the glasses off and nudged Chris, trying to get him to at least stumble over to the way more comfortable bed. Getting Chris' clothes off was a little more complicated and decidedly not the way Darren preferred to get Chris naked._

_"Y're m' fav'rite," Chris mumbled when he was finally under the covers and hugging his pillow._

_Darren's eyes swept over the sleeping man and his lips turned up in a fond smile. He always liked Chris a lot when he was sleepy, because a tired Chris turned into a cuddle-monster, his usual physical contact defenses obliterated by the sleepiness._

_"Shh, sleepyhead, get some rest," Darren whispered and kissed Chris' cheek._

_"M're k'sses, please."_

_"When you wake up, okay?" Darren waited for Chris' slow nod and then leaned in again this time letting his lips brush against Chris' temple._

_'I love you.'_

o-o-o-o-o

" _I love you_ ," Darren whispers in an echo of his thought from only moments earlier.

_Not good. Not good, Darren._

His mind reels, thoughts there but yet out of reach, like the only thing that he can comprehend is that he _loves_ Chris, that's he's fallen hard and fast and that even if he had the option of turning back time, he wouldn't. He knows what they have isn't quite the relationship where declarations of feelings would be expected, not on a level different to "I love you, man" that he has with plenty other people. Chris has always been more to Darren, from the first meeting to now. But they're not boyfriends, they're not dating. The idea of telling Chris how he feels sends Darren's breathing off the normal levels again, but slightly less into the dangerous zone. He breathes through it and tries not to think too hard.

' _I love Chris_ ,' echoes through his brain unhelpfully, over and over again, like a broken record.

Darren tries to get his thoughts working again, but the words are there, urgent and pushy, trying to make their way to his mouth so he can scream them out to anyone who will listen. He's pretty sure some people, friends who have been nudging him in that direction before, already know how he feels and that he's probably the last one to have figured it out.

_Chris doesn't know._

He rolls his eyes at himself because _of course Chris doesn't know_ , because Chris isn't on the same page, that much Darren is sure of. Chris thinks of him as a friend, a buddy, nothing more than someone who may have blurred the friendship lines with occasional kisses and cuddling and _yes, sex, mind-fucking-blowing sex…_

Darren laughs to himself at the pun of the words that run through his mind, but then reality hits again, because despite the blurred lines, Chris only considers him a _friend_. There's no way he can say it out loud, no way Darren will be able to admit his feelings without Chris panicking and pushing them back to the safe zone of no touching, no kissing, no in the heat of the moment make-out sessions. There would be no snuggle parties in Chris' living room while they're re-watching the entire Harry Potter series for the millionth time. No cuddling up after an eighteen hour day at work when neither of them has the energy to even _think_.

After taking a few more shaky breaths, Darren stumbles over into Chris' bedroom and crumbles on the floor next to the bed where Chris is still sleeping restlessly. He leans his chin on the edge of the bed and reaches for Chris' hand, stroking his thumb over Chris' palm because he knows that's comforting and will make Chris relax. Even the simple touch, one he should really not find any different than any of the numerous times before, sends shivers down Darren's spine.

It's different now, with the knowledge of his feelings, with the awareness of how much Chris means to him.

"I love you," Darren whispers, too quietly for Chris to hear even if he was awake.

He pulls himself up onto the bed and shivers when Chris immediately rolls over and wraps himself around Darren, in a familiar manner that Darren knows well. Like nothing's changed, Darren pulls Chris as close as he possibly can and breathes in the scent of the detergent and _Chris_ that's right there.

_I love you_ , he thinks again but doesn't manage to open his mouth because his breath stutters and his heart races, _fuck I love you so much_.

Before he lets himself drift off to sleep, Darren blinks away a few tears that he didn't even realize were falling down his cheeks. He breathes through the oncoming panic attack and tries to calm his mind.

_I can't, I won't, I'm not going to say it now. One day, maybe, when you're ready to hear. One day, when I'm sure it's not going to ruin everything. One day when I can find the words, when I can say them out loud._

He feels Chris' steady breathing against his chest and smiles.

_I love you._


End file.
